Usually people could never keep me out of any conversation.. I was always part of any thing that was being spoken about, discussed, argued, fought,felt, written... etc etc ...I could actually hit it off right away even having non-stop conversations with complete strangers...in fact that's how this blog sprang up...as it gave me a platform to put my thoughts into words....I could write down everything that came to my mind,how much ever uninteresting... I could just drop it down here...where, I was my own reader, my own audience and my own critic....In a way it helped me address few silly things.. like avoiding mindless banter with people who eventually didn't mean anything to me, or reducing my conversations with things like my laptop( when I could not figure out complicated stuff), my plants ( but ever since my friend told me, I have started to sing to them instead and they are all in full bloom .. ). Though I continued to have random thoughts running through my mind , at times, multiple conversations with multiple characters in multiple languages (No, I haven't gone crazy.. at least not yet .. this just increased my capability of multi-tasking), but writing them all down at some point or the other, brought a kind of solace...something which I could read after a few days and probably feel good, bad, sad or stupid of myself.
But off late, I feel something very strange. As I try to reach inside and grab a few thoughts to spread them out here, I feel as if all of them are running away, trying to escape from my clutches ( keyboard, rather), thinning out into nothingness, hiding away in the deep crevices inside and eluding even from my memories and imaginations. Suddenly, there seem to be nothing around. Is this called a void? I don't know, I am not sure any more. I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and do all the things that I always used to do. I go about my life as usual and don't see any visible changes unless you point out to me that Mumbai cant be Bangalore... but then, I am fairly certain that it has got nothing to do with this city, nor any of the numerous things that changed in the past few months. This is more like a process set in motion a long time ago, moving the huge blocks to set the pieces in place to complete a deeper puzzle which is turning out to be a maze day by day. I was slowly learning to let go of everything that stopped being meaningful - thoughts, dreams,ego, hatred, worry, fear, jealousy, memories, love.... But in the process, it saddens me to see less and less of thoughts that get transformed into words on this blog :(... This was surely something that I never wanted to let go...
katran
4 days ago
