Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Even as the heart aches for your sight
Nothing matters any more
As the senses, no longer are right
Thoughts seem to suspend the trust and hope
That you will find the way back someway
Insane thoughts run down as tears
Haunting every night and everyday
Please don’t come into the dreams
As the longing intensifies for your presence more
Fade away even from the thoughts,
As it’s crushing the heart’s core !!!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I remember learning to read & write Telugu in school as a second language in spite of being in English medium. I remember my granny teaching me to read & write Tamil at home grilling into me the importance of learning extra languages. Hindi and English had also become an integral part of our school lives by then. When I moved to Chennai, I could not help but thank my grandma for her farsightedness and it made so much of sense to know Tamil being in a state that is stuck in regional feelings. Here I also found my new friends from the neighbouring state of Kerala and I've got to mention this is one language I will probably never be able to read or write as it sounds so complicated. It took me few years to understand the dialogues as a whole and even more time to learn to utter few meaningful words without making my friends feel embarrassed. Did I forget to mention about my husband being born and brought up in Kolkatta which somehow makes him feel like a Bengali at heart always? ....through the years, as we made rounds of Durga Pujor pandals and Bengali sweet shops and restaurants... and also visiting Kolkatta couple of times, somehow makes me long to learn this mishti language. Being in Bangalore for the last 10 years had added Kannada to the family along with bits of slang picked up from my son's friends.
Somewhere during the course of time, I made it a point to ensure that my son picks up all these languages and puts them to use with appropriate people. When we moved to Mumbai some 4 months ago, it only increased my excitement that eventually I might end up picking up some Marathi for myself while my son kept trying to come to terms with French which sounds even stranger every time we open the school books. I have got to admit that he ends up giggling at the weird sounds that come out of me when I try to learn French from him... I am loving it !!! :)
P.S: I also did manage to hire a whole bunch of German speaking people for my earlier work assignment without knowing one bit of German. :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Piling up sand, pulsating the thoughts
As if you are reaching out, across the miles
Whispering promises into the waves !
There was no fear any more, no more sinking into the sand
Far across the horizons, as the Sun kept going down
The waves kept getting bigger yet softer and milder
Gently touching the muted heart, kindling the memories !
Miles and miles of ocean seems to be tugging
Spreading the magic of hope, life and love
Like bridges connecting two worlds of silence
Warm messages are being sent through rugged music of waves!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
But off late, I feel something very strange. As I try to reach inside and grab a few thoughts to spread them out here, I feel as if all of them are running away, trying to escape from my clutches ( keyboard, rather), thinning out into nothingness, hiding away in the deep crevices inside and eluding even from my memories and imaginations. Suddenly, there seem to be nothing around. Is this called a void? I don't know, I am not sure any more. I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and do all the things that I always used to do. I go about my life as usual and don't see any visible changes unless you point out to me that Mumbai cant be Bangalore... but then, I am fairly certain that it has got nothing to do with this city, nor any of the numerous things that changed in the past few months. This is more like a process set in motion a long time ago, moving the huge blocks to set the pieces in place to complete a deeper puzzle which is turning out to be a maze day by day. I was slowly learning to let go of everything that stopped being meaningful - thoughts, dreams,ego, hatred, worry, fear, jealousy, memories, love.... But in the process, it saddens me to see less and less of thoughts that get transformed into words on this blog :(... This was surely something that I never wanted to let go...
Monday, July 13, 2009
But they don't rest on you any more...
Nights are filled with weird dreams...
But there is no more hurt from the heart's core...
Sitting by the window, closing the eyes...
But the minds eye stares at the faraway stars...
The love that held seems to have gone...
But it also took away all its scars...
Aching tears have dried away...
No more does the heart call your name...
Letting go of an untouched love...
But it doesn't wonder why you never came...
Washed away by the pain that rains through life...
Little by little the leaves of the memory might fall...
But abundant thoughts may still persist...
As gradually, we would sit to gather them all...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Leaving Bangalore was probably one of the toughest things I have ever done.... and would probably rate as my biggest dare.... if I were to venture into " Who Dares Wins" ;)
Through out the course of last 2 months... I felt like a tree that is being uprooted from its place... and believe me...I was always fighting against the tree felling that seems to have become a fashion off late in Bangalore...but then the only difference between me and an actual tree in Lalbagh was that I was gettting replanted somewhere else altogether... As almost 20 days have gone by, I have got to admit that the breeze on the 9th floor and the Mumbai monsoons are trying to help me by providing the necessary air and water to slowly survive this replantation drive...... but then its a painful process and I would never recommend this to the weak hearted...
So now, I go back to completing the pending tasks in the " Who Dares Wins" .. you know.. something like, settling the home front... writing all the pending notes for my son... sorting the school bus issues...trying to find him some friends and thus in turn some smiles on to his face... ( on yeah, I need to mention that he is like a Juvenile tree that got replanted too)... and will write again soon...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Silence is when you are ecstatic about something but have no one around to share ! ( sounds like a recent mobile ad )
Silence is when you sit with your gang, happy about a small win... but not sure about the rounds to go ! ( This is definitely not a sound of silence.... may be you can call it Noise )
Silence is when you are not sure what your next step in life should be but deep inside you know that you have to take the decision ! ( Ufff...I love taking decisions...)
Silence is when there is no sign ! ( Hmmm.... for how long...?)
Silence is when you feel like a liberated soul caught in-between confused people and complex feelings ! ( this is an old one .. but yeah.. still holds good)
Silence is when you want to let go of everything and live in peace ! ( Just a dream...)
Silence is when your mind refuses to register all the voices that come from inside ! ( Guess its gone deaf)
Silence is when what you speak becomes incomprehendable even for yourself ! ( Is there a word like that???)
Silence is sleeping and giving time for yourself ! ( I like this one.. but sleep doesn't come easy ) :(
Silence is lying wide awake and dreaming about all your wishes coming true ! ( This I do a lot ) :)
Silence is missing someone so much that the memory becomes a tear, sliding down the cheeks, residing in your heart, giving you company in your solitude ! ( Its a sort of translation of something that I heard in a Telugu movie song- Gulabi.. ! )
Silence is when emotions over whelm you so much that you sit and stare out of the window in the middle of the nights ! ( The world around is so much better at night... trust me !)
Silence is when sudden changes take over your life and you have nothing to say ! ( you may get to know soon )
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
So, putting those things aside( as they don't appeal to me any more), I've got to admit that, off-late I have been thinking and noting the importance of having your own network ( Hmmm, I know it's a sort of HR sounding word and I might not exactly mean it here)...not the kind where you think about knowing people in places( read - high places).... but genuine people who know and relate to you as you are.... people whom you get to know over the years...who might step in to pull you out of awkward situations or help you with tit bits of information or advice or lend you a shoulder to cry on or use you as a sounding board / vice versa or at least to pass you on to their own networks... But then, even this would happen only if you feel a certain level of connect with the concerned person, a level of comfort that will help you overcome the bridges...At times, these people become a wide variety of friendly sparks in our lives... sparks that would help bring a smile onto our lips even during the most trying periods.
As I think of it, I guess it makes me glad to think about everyone who touched my life, in some way or the other. Some who came in for a reason, some who came in for a season, some who are there forever... am thankful to all of you...you continue to be a spark in my life...!!!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
TO MY CHILD
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.. Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is...
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park to play....
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together...
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles....
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by...
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned...
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them...
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys...
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you....
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry...
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars...
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows...
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given....
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms. The mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that little body And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day......... .....
May be I was stuck in my own world the whole of today.... may be I didnt actually do any of the mentioned above for the whole of today...may be I will get to do all that tomorrow.. the one more day that I ask the God for....but for now.. let me do the last bit..I will go to sleep...kissing my son good night...hugging him a little more tighter...and thanking God...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I happened to receive a whole bunch of books & pictures from ISKCON today as part of our annual membership. As I saw my favorite picture of Radha-Krishna, I could not help but think of one of my poems written a while ago ( Re-posting it here). While my home hosts a multiple artworks of Radha-Krishna, this particular poem was written after watching an inspiring classical dance performance :).... The eternal wait of Radha...
As the stars twinkle in the skies
As the river flows over the rocks
As her hair, with the breeze, flies
Radha dances away into the night
As the air carries your flute song
As her eyes search with hope
As you make her wait alone for long
Radha dances away into the night
As the evening fades away the light
As the moon looks down upon the earth
As all her doubts, she tries to fight
Radha dances away into the night
As her cheeks fill with her tears
As the beads of sweat glitter on her waist
As she struggles to silence her fears
Radha dances away into the night
As the shadow grows of that monster tree
As the birds slide into their nests for sleep
As from all the chains, she tries to break free
Radha dances away into the night
As she looks back at memories of yesterday
As she calls out to you to end your play
As she hopes to get over this someday
Radha dances away into the night
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I was in Chennai for the last couple of days, to attend a cousin's wedding yesterday.. and of course, as usual, time just flew by, dotted with visiting ailing aunts, one condolence visit, meeting all the cousins and checking out all the house ceremonies that were missed... etc etc.. this time around.. there was no time for even the Beach :(..... unfortunately, my pending visits list still stands incomplete and I could not even call my friends.... :( sorry guys...
Yesterday night, finally after attending the wedding reception, I managed to rush and take the train to Bangalore. I was travelling alone with Ajay and we were taking the train after a very long time ( The Hosur - Chennai highway is so cool that we got so used to driving down to Chennai frequently in less than 5 hours). The train was scheduled to reach Bangalore city at 4.30 in the morning, so we slept early, nicely tugged under our bedsheets and jackets.
Then I did something which I never did in my life before. Some one woke me up at 5.00 asking for their berth & I realised to my horror that we missed getting down at Bangalore :). I had not realised that my entire compartment was for Mysore quota and not one soul had stirred in their sleep. No lights were on and no commotion to wake me up till it was too late. After collecting my bags and shaking up Ajju awake, I went in search of the TTE who promised to give me a wake up alert :). Three compartments in a row, I saw only sleeping passengers and no sign of TTE. Finally, I found a gentleman standing at a door and asked about the next stop. He was nice enough to caution me not to get down at the next stop which was 10 minutes away as it was too dark and it might be difficult to even get buses back as it was a small town. So I stood talking to him, braving the cold , calling up Krishu and holding on to Ajju who was still trying to sleep in a standing posture. Then he helped me get down at a place which was like an hour and a half from Bangalore and gave me all the directions to go back . Ajju & me made our way to the station master to find out if there was any return train and I kind of found it weird all through. The station master was another gentleman I came across today. After getting to know that I was travelling alone with my son, he was really nice to come out with me to find a safe auto and told the driver to take me to the Bus stand. All kinds of things flashed through my mind as I took the auto through the lonely & dark roads though it was just 1 KM...( I even thought how Kareena must have felt in JWM). The auto driver even made sure that he waited with us till we managed to board a Bangalore bound bus. As I saw the break of dawn, while I travelled back, I could not help but think of all the strangers who helped me just like that... they didn't know me, I had never met them before, I don't even know their names even now, but they helped me without knowing what & who I am... this may not be a major thing, but for me, they made a difference....thankfully... there are still a few people around....Gods of smaller things !!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
While I watched Amar Kaul living the last few days of his life on his own terms .. in a very subtle way....a thought kept gnawing at the back of my mind... If I were to make my own list of " 10 Things To Do Before I Die"...what all would feature on that list? Trust me , it was not very easy....Not because..... I had too many things on my list...but because... I was blank..... May be it would take time to think & plan.. may be the list will grow... may be there will be things to do in a hurry.... or may be there will be nothing....as the list seems to be completely blank & empty....... just like how I feel now..... Does that mean... I' ve no more wishes any more? ........Have I already done what ever I wanted to do ..or have I planned for everything that has to be done... or just didnt have anything to do? or have I given up on things already? .... How boring... !!!
Anyways... this being just the 2nd post of the year... will update you if the list picks up :)