Glass walls !!!

Glass walls threaten to engulf
Even as the heart aches for your sight
Nothing matters any more
As the senses, no longer are right
Thoughts seem to suspend the trust and hope
That you will find the way back someway
Insane thoughts run down as tears
Haunting every night and everyday
Please don’t come into the dreams
As the longing intensifies for your presence more
Fade away even from the thoughts,
As it’s crushing the heart’s core !!!

Loving the languages !!!

All around me I see people speaking in different languages and it makes me only more curious to learn new ones... even as Ajju struggles to settle down at Mumbai, one of the main reasons being lack of fluency while conversing in Hindi and thus in turn resulting in failed attempts at making new friends that age , a tiny thought kept nudging through my head... Even though we have quite a few Telugu families around, I have noticed a couple of kids who can't even speak one word of the mother tongue. As we go ahead with our lives, is it not our duty to keep our kids aware of our roots? how far does the concept of speaking in mother tongue at home work these days....how many families actually think it to be important to bring up the kids exposing them to our real cultures, traditions and values? The fast paced cosmetic life seem to have taken over us so much that at times we fail to notice that we have left behind our true identities and personalities.

I remember learning to read & write Telugu in school as a second language in spite of being in English medium. I remember my granny teaching me to read & write Tamil at home grilling into me the importance of learning extra languages. Hindi and English had also become an integral part of our school lives by then. When I moved to Chennai, I could not help but thank my grandma for her farsightedness and it made so much of sense to know Tamil being in a state that is stuck in regional feelings. Here I also found my new friends from the neighbouring state of Kerala and I've got to mention this is one language I will probably never be able to read or write as it sounds so complicated. It took me few years to understand the dialogues as a whole and even more time to learn to utter few meaningful words without making my friends feel embarrassed. Did I forget to mention about my husband being born and brought up in Kolkatta which somehow makes him feel like a Bengali at heart always? ....through the years, as we made rounds of Durga Pujor pandals and Bengali sweet shops and restaurants... and also visiting Kolkatta couple of times, somehow makes me long to learn this mishti language. Being in Bangalore for the last 10 years had added Kannada to the family along with bits of slang picked up from my son's friends.

Somewhere during the course of time, I made it a point to ensure that my son picks up all these languages and puts them to use with appropriate people. When we moved to Mumbai some 4 months ago, it only increased my excitement that eventually I might end up picking up some Marathi for myself while my son kept trying to come to terms with French which sounds even stranger every time we open the school books. I have got to admit that he ends up giggling at the weird sounds that come out of me when I try to learn French from him... I am loving it !!! :)

P.S: I also did manage to hire a whole bunch of German speaking people for my earlier work assignment without knowing one bit of German. :)

Waves !!!

Rooted on the beach, the waves kept pounding the feet
Piling up sand, pulsating the thoughts
As if you are reaching out, across the miles
Whispering promises into the waves !

There was no fear any more, no more sinking into the sand
Far across the horizons, as the Sun kept going down
The waves kept getting bigger yet softer and milder
Gently touching the muted heart, kindling the memories !

Miles and miles of ocean seems to be tugging
Spreading the magic of hope, life and love
Like bridges connecting two worlds of silence
Warm messages are being sent through rugged music of waves!

Where is it gone?

Usually people could never keep me out of any conversation.. I was always part of any thing that was being spoken about, discussed, argued, fought,felt, written... etc etc ...I could actually hit it off right away even having non-stop conversations with complete strangers...in fact that's how this blog sprang up...as it gave me a platform to put my thoughts into words....I could write down everything that came to my mind,how much ever uninteresting... I could just drop it down here...where, I was my own reader, my own audience and my own critic....In a way it helped me address few silly things.. like avoiding mindless banter with people who eventually didn't mean anything to me, or reducing my conversations with things like my laptop( when I could not figure out complicated stuff), my plants ( but ever since my friend told me, I have started to sing to them instead and they are all in full bloom .. ). Though I continued to have random thoughts running through my mind , at times, multiple conversations with multiple characters in multiple languages (No, I haven't gone crazy.. at least not yet .. this just increased my capability of multi-tasking), but writing them all down at some point or the other, brought a kind of solace...something which I could read after a few days and probably feel good, bad, sad or stupid of myself.

But off late, I feel something very strange. As I try to reach inside and grab a few thoughts to spread them out here, I feel as if all of them are running away, trying to escape from my clutches ( keyboard, rather), thinning out into nothingness, hiding away in the deep crevices inside and eluding even from my memories and imaginations. Suddenly, there seem to be nothing around. Is this called a void? I don't know, I am not sure any more. I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and do all the things that I always used to do. I go about my life as usual and don't see any visible changes unless you point out to me that Mumbai cant be Bangalore... but then, I am fairly certain that it has got nothing to do with this city, nor any of the numerous things that changed in the past few months. This is more like a process set in motion a long time ago, moving the huge blocks to set the pieces in place to complete a deeper puzzle which is turning out to be a maze day by day. I was slowly learning to let go of everything that stopped being meaningful - thoughts, dreams,ego, hatred, worry, fear, jealousy, memories, love.... But in the process, it saddens me to see less and less of thoughts that get transformed into words on this blog :(... This was surely something that I never wanted to let go...

Life goes on..!!!

Thoughts run from one thing to the other...
But they don't rest on you any more...
Nights are filled with weird dreams...
But there is no more hurt from the heart's core...

Sitting by the window, closing the eyes...
But the minds eye stares at the faraway stars...
The love that held seems to have gone...
But it also took away all its scars...

Aching tears have dried away...
No more does the heart call your name...
Letting go of an untouched love...
But it doesn't wonder why you never came...

Washed away by the pain that rains through life...
Little by little the leaves of the memory might fall...
But abundant thoughts may still persist...
As gradually, we would sit to gather them all...

From Mumbai...!!!

As we stand almost close to end of June, I am taken aback by the fact that I haven't come this way since March...indeed a long time of silence to surmount the sporadic changes....as I was reluctant to login to this url though I had the necessary resources ( read as time and connectivity)....... and this time around, I write from Mumbai......so the life changing decisions that I was talking about in my previous post seems to have been completely over and done with .. and am slowly trying to crawl back into my blog....

Leaving Bangalore was probably one of the toughest things I have ever done.... and would probably rate as my biggest dare.... if I were to venture into " Who Dares Wins" ;)

Through out the course of last 2 months... I felt like a tree that is being uprooted from its place... and believe me...I was always fighting against the tree felling that seems to have become a fashion off late in Bangalore...but then the only difference between me and an actual tree in Lalbagh was that I was gettting replanted somewhere else altogether... As almost 20 days have gone by, I have got to admit that the breeze on the 9th floor and the Mumbai monsoons are trying to help me by providing the necessary air and water to slowly survive this replantation drive...... but then its a painful process and I would never recommend this to the weak hearted...

So now, I go back to completing the pending tasks in the " Who Dares Wins" .. you know.. something like, settling the home front... writing all the pending notes for my son... sorting the school bus issues...trying to find him some friends and thus in turn some smiles on to his face... ( on yeah, I need to mention that he is like a Juvenile tree that got replanted too)... and will write again soon...

Sounds of Silence !!!

Apart from wondering how silence can be anything else but maddening...it was even strange to imagine all the sounds of silence... some one once told me that silence speaks louder...and I guess I did learn gradually, that sounds of silence speak volumes....and as I try to pen down my thoughts, it is only to understand these bits & pieces of silence that at times work like a wonderful system of hometheatre to consume you for the complete experience.

Silence is when you are ecstatic about something but have no one around to share ! ( sounds like a recent mobile ad )

Silence is when you sit with your gang, happy about a small win... but not sure about the rounds to go ! ( This is definitely not a sound of silence.... may be you can call it Noise )

Silence is when you are not sure what your next step in life should be but deep inside you know that you have to take the decision ! ( Ufff...I love taking decisions...)

Silence is when there is no sign ! ( Hmmm.... for how long...?)

Silence is when you feel like a liberated soul caught in-between confused people and complex feelings ! ( this is an old one .. but yeah.. still holds good)

Silence is when you want to let go of everything and live in peace ! ( Just a dream...)

Silence is when your mind refuses to register all the voices that come from inside ! ( Guess its gone deaf)

Silence is when what you speak becomes incomprehendable even for yourself ! ( Is there a word like that???)

Silence is sleeping and giving time for yourself ! ( I like this one.. but sleep doesn't come easy ) :(

Silence is lying wide awake and dreaming about all your wishes coming true ! ( This I do a lot ) :)

Silence is missing someone so much that the memory becomes a tear, sliding down the cheeks, residing in your heart, giving you company in your solitude ! ( Its a sort of translation of something that I heard in a Telugu movie song- Gulabi.. ! )

Silence is when emotions over whelm you so much that you sit and stare out of the window in the middle of the nights ! ( The world around is so much better at night... trust me !)

Silence is when sudden changes take over your life and you have nothing to say ! ( you may get to know soon )

Sapne!!!

Kuch sapne din mein dikh jaate hein !
Aankhon ke saamne khade ho jaate hein !
Haat aage badao.. tho ghum ho jaate hein !
Kuch sapne ...kabhi dubara nazar nahi aate hein !
- just heard somewhere :)

Breaking the silence !!!

I know.. its been a while now, since I updated my blog...I guess I was sort of using the silence as a refuge, away from the prying minds, making sure that neither the multiple battles that I was fighting nor the stupid emotions, will get reflected through the words that get poured out into this space if I venture into this world in those small vulnerable moments :).... Yep.. you are right.. am a Scorpio.. never one to expose my weaker moments and definitely not in haste :)

So, putting those things aside( as they don't appeal to me any more), I've got to admit that, off-late I have been thinking and noting the importance of having your own network ( Hmmm, I know it's a sort of HR sounding word and I might not exactly mean it here)...not the kind where you think about knowing people in places( read - high places).... but genuine people who know and relate to you as you are.... people whom you get to know over the years...who might step in to pull you out of awkward situations or help you with tit bits of information or advice or lend you a shoulder to cry on or use you as a sounding board / vice versa or at least to pass you on to their own networks... But then, even this would happen only if you feel a certain level of connect with the concerned person, a level of comfort that will help you overcome the bridges...At times, these people become a wide variety of friendly sparks in our lives... sparks that would help bring a smile onto our lips even during the most trying periods.

As I think of it, I guess it makes me glad to think about everyone who touched my life, in some way or the other. Some who came in for a reason, some who came in for a season, some who are there forever... am thankful to all of you...you continue to be a spark in my life...!!!

Kal ho na ho !!!

Here I go with one more filmy title... but then , this post has got nothing to do with SRK or Bollywood or films at all... This is a fwd poem I received from one of my best(est) friends( oops.. I can see all the English pandits twitching their noses with contempt already) :).. Anyways.. this was touching in so many ways...and probably it did relate to my current frame of mind...don't ask me if I am talking about the fwd poem or the title.....I guess I am lost completely...and if you happen to check my current status message on the FB, you would know by now.... that I am sort of confused and also contemplating on giving up everything....Hmmmm...
___________________________________________________
TO MY CHILD
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.. Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is...
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park to play....
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together...
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles....
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by...
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned...
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them...
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys...
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you....
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry...
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars...
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows...
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given....

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms. The mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that little body And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day......... .....
_______________________________________________

May be I was stuck in my own world the whole of today.... may be I didnt actually do any of the mentioned above for the whole of today...may be I will get to do all that tomorrow.. the one more day that I ask the God for....but for now.. let me do the last bit..I will go to sleep...kissing my son good night...hugging him a little more tighter...and thanking God...

Radha Waits...!!!

I happened to receive a whole bunch of books & pictures from ISKCON today as part of our annual membership. As I saw my favorite picture of Radha-Krishna, I could not help but think of one of my poems written a while ago ( Re-posting it here). While my home hosts a multiple artworks of Radha-Krishna, this particular poem was written after watching an inspiring classical dance performance :).... The eternal wait of Radha...

Radha Waits…..

As the stars twinkle in the skies
As the river flows over the rocks
As her hair, with the breeze, flies
Radha dances away into the night

As the air carries your flute song
As her eyes search with hope
As you make her wait alone for long
Radha dances away into the night

As the evening fades away the light
As the moon looks down upon the earth
As all her doubts, she tries to fight
Radha dances away into the night

As her cheeks fill with her tears
As the beads of sweat glitter on her waist
As she struggles to silence her fears
Radha dances away into the night

As the shadow grows of that monster tree
As the birds slide into their nests for sleep
As from all the chains, she tries to break free
Radha dances away into the night

As she looks back at memories of yesterday
As she calls out to you to end your play
As she hopes to get over this someday
Radha dances away into the night

Gods of smaller things !!!

I never thought the 3rd post for this year will actually be something like reporting a misadventure. But I've got to share this with you all...before my memory fades out the minute details :)

I was in Chennai for the last couple of days, to attend a cousin's wedding yesterday.. and of course, as usual, time just flew by, dotted with visiting ailing aunts, one condolence visit, meeting all the cousins and checking out all the house ceremonies that were missed... etc etc.. this time around.. there was no time for even the Beach :(..... unfortunately, my pending visits list still stands incomplete and I could not even call my friends.... :( sorry guys...

Yesterday night, finally after attending the wedding reception, I managed to rush and take the train to Bangalore. I was travelling alone with Ajay and we were taking the train after a very long time ( The Hosur - Chennai highway is so cool that we got so used to driving down to Chennai frequently in less than 5 hours). The train was scheduled to reach Bangalore city at 4.30 in the morning, so we slept early, nicely tugged under our bedsheets and jackets.

Then I did something which I never did in my life before. Some one woke me up at 5.00 asking for their berth & I realised to my horror that we missed getting down at Bangalore :). I had not realised that my entire compartment was for Mysore quota and not one soul had stirred in their sleep. No lights were on and no commotion to wake me up till it was too late. After collecting my bags and shaking up Ajju awake, I went in search of the TTE who promised to give me a wake up alert :). Three compartments in a row, I saw only sleeping passengers and no sign of TTE. Finally, I found a gentleman standing at a door and asked about the next stop. He was nice enough to caution me not to get down at the next stop which was 10 minutes away as it was too dark and it might be difficult to even get buses back as it was a small town. So I stood talking to him, braving the cold , calling up Krishu and holding on to Ajju who was still trying to sleep in a standing posture. Then he helped me get down at a place which was like an hour and a half from Bangalore and gave me all the directions to go back . Ajju & me made our way to the station master to find out if there was any return train and I kind of found it weird all through. The station master was another gentleman I came across today. After getting to know that I was travelling alone with my son, he was really nice to come out with me to find a safe auto and told the driver to take me to the Bus stand. All kinds of things flashed through my mind as I took the auto through the lonely & dark roads though it was just 1 KM...( I even thought how Kareena must have felt in JWM). The auto driver even made sure that he waited with us till we managed to board a Bangalore bound bus. As I saw the break of dawn, while I travelled back, I could not help but think of all the strangers who helped me just like that... they didn't know me, I had never met them before, I don't even know their names even now, but they helped me without knowing what & who I am... this may not be a major thing, but for me, they made a difference....thankfully... there are still a few people around....Gods of smaller things !!!

Dasvidaniya !!!

Hmmm... What a movie...Just managed to catch up on this long pending movie and all through it, I kept wondering why I could not make time for it till now......I am not sure why such good films dont actually become Box Office Hits... may be the lack of glamour doesnt help much.... and it might not appeal to the NRI audience..... and it may not win us any Golden Globes or Oscars.. But good.... thankfully, atleast some one still went ahead and dared to make a straight forward movie honestly...

While I watched Amar Kaul living the last few days of his life on his own terms .. in a very subtle way....a thought kept gnawing at the back of my mind... If I were to make my own list of " 10 Things To Do Before I Die"...what all would feature on that list? Trust me , it was not very easy....Not because..... I had too many things on my list...but because... I was blank..... May be it would take time to think & plan.. may be the list will grow... may be there will be things to do in a hurry.... or may be there will be nothing....as the list seems to be completely blank & empty....... just like how I feel now..... Does that mean... I' ve no more wishes any more? ........Have I already done what ever I wanted to do ..or have I planned for everything that has to be done... or just didnt have anything to do? or have I given up on things already? .... How boring... !!!

Anyways... this being just the 2nd post of the year... will update you if the list picks up :)

The Two Men In My Life !!!

Things kept me busy... life became so hectic that I could not even check out my blog for a while now ... though its almost 18 days since a brand new year has started, I owe myself to wish each & everyone of you a happy, peacefilled & blessed new year...!!!

I should say the year started great...After a long time (read it as many years)... Krishnan & me had time for ourselves.. as Ajay had been to my mom's place for the christmas vacation... again after a long time, we decided to leave behind house parties and ventured out into an actual New Year bash......Though I felt a little out of place for sometime initially, I quickly made friends with a gang of gals... and what a time we had... cheering, wishing, singing along, and above all dancing away late into the night...when we finally exited from the party at about 1.30 in the night, I had a good feeling in my heart that its going to be one Kicking new year...oh yeah, I actually managed to turn around and literally kick one guy who was trying to act smart with us.... :)

The next day - 1st Jan 09, we drove down to chennai to be with Ajju, mom, sisters & their families... and the next 3 days were like a whirlwind tour ... complete with visits to relatives, beaches, parks, temples, restaurants, shopping... ufff , but had great fun :)

The two weekends that have just passed in Jan 09, have been 2 milestones on the personal front. While Krishu celebrated his 40th Bday on 4th Jan, Ajju celebrated his 10th Bday on 11th Jan... :)... while I sit back and think, I can only think about how much these guys mean to me in my life...In their own special ways, they have made a such a positive difference !!! They have been there for me and helped me in every possible way to be myself !!! Thank you Krishu & Thank you Ajju...